Stubbornly Determined: Finding Myself in the Aftermath.
On May 13, 2020, my world imploded for the second time. Though it was different than Larry’s death in many ways, it was obliterating in just as many of its own.
When Larry died, grief consumed me instantaneously and completely. There was not one moment of my waking hours where I was not annihilated with the knowledge and anguish of his death.
When Larry’s dad — my husband of 25 years — died, the grief consumed me just as instantly, but it gave way to moments of obliviousness. I would look up from my work, see the clock, and my heart would lift at the thought: “Darian’s gonna be home soo…” And just as quickly, I would plunge back into the depths: “No. Darian’s not gonna be home soon… and he’s never coming home again.”
And so it went, for weeks.
I kept all of Larry’s things, slowly turning loose of items over the years as my heart allowed. But with Darian, I had to let go almost immediately. His work truck and boat were sold within weeks. Darrin and Rose helped me sort through his tools and equipment, accumulated over our lifetime together. Most of it had to go. Each piece felt like more of my heart pulled from its bone cage.
The house he built into my dream home was too much to maintain alone. Even if I had the funds, it wasn’t my home anymore — not without him. So I readied it, listed it on 8/14, accepted an offer on 8/16, and closed on 9/4. By 9/12, I was unpacking in a new apartment, still spinning inside a tornado, still unable to catch my breath.
I hadn’t yet grieved Darian. I hadn’t processed the multitude of changes. I was alone for the first time in my life. I was terrified.
But I was also learning.
I learned more about the strong, independent, stubbornly determined woman within me than I had ever known before. I learned I could handle far more than I ever thought possible. I learned it’s okay to ask for help, to accept it, and to reach out when you need to hear your own thoughts spoken aloud.
I learned that I got this. Maybe not that exact day, maybe not the next, but in my own time, I could and I did get through it. And life turned out pretty damn good afterwards.
If your world has imploded and you’ve been sucked into a tornado of your own, know this: you too can and will get through it. You’re not alone. Don’t give up.
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When the foundations of your life are destroyed, you are forced to discover a strength you never knew you had. That first step toward rebuilding—reclaiming your identity, your space, or your independence—is the hardest. If you’ve been forced to step into your own power after a shattering event, tell us: What is one thing you learned about your own strength that surprised you the most? Share your lesson below and inspire others who are still in the tornado.