Time Traveler

I close my eyes and see your beautiful face crowned by those wild sun-brushed, golden curls. I see your bright, peridot eyes vividly and your smile… oh yes, I still see clearly your smile…

           and I smile. I speak to you. I reach out for you…

The reels of recollections revolve:

The first time I laid eyes on your precious face.

Roller skating down the sidewalk, rain pouring down, laughing till our sides ached.

You and your dad thundering with excitement as you raced and bounced through the hills of dirt on your go-kart.

The look on your handsome face when you first sat inside that lacquer-black car knowing it was yours.

           These and so many more set on continuous loop.

I long to wrap you tightly within my arms… but just as clearly as I can see you, I feel the pummel of knowing you are locked there in a time I was forced from and the wounds rupture… the life pours out and I am again pounded to my knees – bloodied, broken and weeping.

Nearly eleven years since you died and so many things have changed. Your dad and I are different people. Your little brother is a grown man and though you are ten years his senior, he has now been alive longer than you lived.

           The sorrow of that reality to me is indescribable.

The world has continued to morph, and I wonder about the man you would be today… What would you have accomplished and who would you be sharing it with? Where in this great world would you be calling home? Would you have married by now? Would I be a grandma?

           How beautiful Christmas day would have been had you come home        for your ham and macaroni salad…

There are so many more questions I ask, things I wonder about…

           and then there are the making of silly, everyday memories that would be, if Death had not taken you:

“Larry would be waiting in line for that new iPhone…”

“Oh, you know Larry would be driving around catching Pokémon!” as my laughter quietly dies…

“Oh yea, Larry would have loved that movie!” 

Every day there are new questions with no answers followed by memories not made…

Your physical presence is locked there in that time I was forced from. All I have is to carry your essence forward with me into the future. I travel between these two worlds a hundred times each day… from what would be today and back to where your laughter rides the currents and fills my heart full.

           My soul has aged a thousand years with my travels…

My own essence scorched and hardened with stony edges now; nevertheless, I smile and carry the thick scar tissue with honor. It is my right as your mother to go on, to keep and protect your memory, and to allow your spirit to soar free from my Earthly sorrow…

I am a time traveler… I close my eyes and see your beautiful face.

Tammy S
_{Written 1/22/2018}